Runaway Wife
Dear Scott and Cheri,
My husband and I live in North Carolina, or did until I left him. I am
now staying with a friend in another state. I want to go home and try to
work out my marriage. We’ve only been married for 2 months, but my
husband is so upset with me that he says I can’t come back without
making some big changes. What should I do? “Run-away-wife”
Dear Run-away-wife,
Ben Franklin said it best, “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye
opener.” Another person gave this definition of love. “A temporary
insanity cured by marriage.” The first two months of marriage must have
revealed a lot – either about him or yourself!
Let’s address this phrase from your letter: “without making some big
changes.” It’s usually not just one spouse who needs to change–it’s
both! Since you’re the one who abandoned him and the relationship, he
has justification in asking you to change. He might want reassurance
that you won’t pack up and leave the next time something doesn’t go your
way.
Since we don’t know all the details and reasons around your flight for
freedom, it’s difficult to reply with a simple answer. But, marriage is
a commitment, so let’s look at that.
Webster defines commitment as “to give in trust, custody or consignment,
a pledge or promise.” The pledge or promise we make in marriage is the
biggest commitment we ever make. Most marriage vows still contain the
phrase, For Better or Worse. Newsflash: Sometimes the worse comes before
the better! It takes time to develop a solid marriage. Since you say
that you do want to return to him, we imagine you must have realized
that even though things seemed bad enough to make you leave at that
time, there’s a good chance they could improve in the future. Can you
imagine the hurt and rejection he may have felt when you left rather
than trying to work things out?
The I do’s of the marriage vows often times degenerate into I do as long
as you do , or as long as you do what I want! Let’s rephrase that – as
long as you meet all my needs.
People are looking for instant gratification. All too few are willing
to pay the price for what they want. Most play the “blame game” or
expect someone else to do it for them. The average family moves every
five years, which means every year 20% of the population is moving.
That might be good for the real estate industry but isn’t always the
best for the family. Along with the change of location comes the change
of jobs, schools, churches, friends, and support groups.
We call that the greener pastures syndrome. We can’t keep the bull in
our pasture. He keeps going over the fence. I guess he thinks the grass
and cows are better over there. The 21st century value system says: If
you don’t like where you live, move! If you don’t like what you do,
quit! If you are disillusioned with who you’re with, find some one new!
Traditional family values say, We’re partners, We’ll stick it out, We’ll
work it out, no matter what it takes. Our favorite definition for
commitment reads: Commitment is what transforms a promise into a
reality. It is the words that speak loudly of your intentions and the
actions that speak louder than the words. It is taking the time when
there is none, coming through time after time and year after year.
Commitment is the stuff character is made of, the power to change the
face of things. It is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism.
Ask your husband if there is an unbiased, Christian counselor or pastor
he would trust to meet with you both to discuss the “changes” he needs
to see. You need to be willing to listen to each other’s viewpoint, to
establish a workable plan, and commit yourselves to do whatever it takes
to restore your marriage .
If you have a question on marriage or family you would like Scott and
Cheri to address, send it or e-mail it to this newspaper. To receive
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