Dear Scott and Cheri,
I recently remarried a wonderful man and inherited two teenage
stepchildren in the deal. They greatly resent me. And the fact is I
resent them, too. How does one keep a positive attitude in such a
hostile environment. Sincerely, “In Rage”
Dear “In Rage,”
Here’s some basics that might help you. Raising children begins
with a process called labor. (That should be a clue that parenting
isn’t going to be easy!) Raising Kids Right in a world gone wrong
is a tremendous task. Your step children have experienced one of the
most emotionally traumatic experiences a human could be subject to.
Whether they became part of the step process through death or
divorce, they carry wounds that may be extremely deep, and difficult
to heal. Children are the biggest victims in the process. They are
subject to a multitude of dramatic changes in their lives–without
the option of making any decisions to affect those changes. You and
your spouse, however, had the freewill to make at least some of the
choices that made a change in your lives. That’s why the children
often treat the step parent an somewhat of an enemy. They’re taking
out their confusion and hurt on one of the nearest objects–you.
You said you inherited the kids. Perhaps you weren’t informed prior
to marriage, but when you marry a someone with children, you marry
their family, too. We always remind dating couples where one or
both has children, “If you fall in love with him (or her) you better
pray you fall in love with the kids, too.” It’s unfair to a child
for a stepparent to be any less than 100% committed to fulfilling
the position of parent. Replacing the “absent” parent is not what
we’re advocating, although in some cases that may be what the child
wants. With most kids, Mom or Dad is a title that has to be earned
through a relationship of trust, loving care, compassion, patience,
understanding and time.
Let us briefly address the rage. Letting any anger you feel inside
show on the outside is a choice. It’s your choice. You can make the
decision not to allow anger to be displayed, and then develop skills
and habits (perhaps even get counseling) to make sure it doesn’t
show its ugly face. Angry people, for the most part, have always
been angry. Anger is a bad, even intolerable habit. Anger is like a
cancer that can destroy relationships. The Bible says, “Be angry and
sin not!” You may feel like yelling, but you don’t have to yell!
You may feel like getting even, but you don’t have to display that
revenge behavior!
Right about now you might be thinking, “Come on, those teens have
made a life style of trying to make me feel bad.” Even though that
might be true, parenting is all about role-modeling, setting an
example. Calm, controlled parents usually have calm, controlled
children. Here’s a thought: Do unto your children as you would
have them do unto you. Despite what their behavior is, don’t resent
them, but show them respect as a person. Remember, they’re doing a
bad job at expressing the turmoil they’re feeling internally. Look
beyond the display and get to the root. Be part of the solution,
not part of the problem.
One more recommendation: If you haven’t discussed this already, you
and your spouse need to get into agreement about how you’ll handle
situations involving the children. Until you know what each of you
feels and thinks about the parenting issues in your marriage, you
cannot truly be unified in your approach. Often, that first (but
crucial) step can begin a positive process in dealing with blended
family issues.
With the great increase in divorce and remarriage, the blended
family has presented new adventures in parenting. Only 25% of
America’s households are nuclear families. (A “nuclear” family is
composed of a married couple with their biological children.)
Presently 38% of children under 18 live in a single parent home and
over half of all Americans are part of the step system. They are
either a step mother, step father, step son, step daughter, step
sister or step brother.
For information on blended families contact the Stepfamily
Association of America, 215 Centenial Mall South, Suite 212,
Lincoln, Nebraska 68508
www.saafamilies.org
, 402-477-7837
